It's after 1:00 am, and my house is so quiet I honestly had to think about who, if anyone was in it with me. Otis, yes. Shaun, yes. Beckham, yes...wait, no. Even after almost 3 years of being a "modern family" with 2 households, I never quite get used to the idea or the quiet of my son not being under my roof. Mothers aren't supposed to get used to not having their babies.
Anyway, it's quiet because everyone's sleeping, and, as is common for me, I work best- think and feel best- deep into the night. Sometimes I feel so explosively creative, I wish I could bang on a piano and quite literally stay awake making noise or doing something, both inside and outside of my body, until the sun woke up, but I thought writing would be a more productive (and less destructive) way to channel my burst of late night/early morning energy.
I was thinking tonight about the lie of laziness. I remember when I was young, someone I cared about and who was fundamentally important to me, in a moment of rage told me I was lazy. I was probably 11 or 12. And maybe once a week, I replay that moment, when tears stung my eyes and I wanted to vehemently deny that accusation....but I couldn't.
I want to get real for a minute: This past year has been one of the best of my life. My business is finally doing what I want (and need) it to do financially. My son is thriving and at the stage of his life where he's actually super fun to be around, and not just a tiny person I'm taking care of 24/7. I got to marry my BEST friend in the ENTIRE world! We moved (back) into a big house filled with all the space and toys and stuff we could ever possibly want.
But... (you knew it was coming, didn't you?)...Something's still been...off its track? Maybe it was the near-abandonment of music when our business started picking up steam. It's hard to be creative and efficient. It's like: You can have creativity, you can have money, you can have fulfillment...pick any two.