So last night it happened. Someone's "after" reflected, on the outside, what so many of us "Losers" have safely and dangerously harbored on the inside, standing on a confetti-covered stage in all our spray-tanned, bleached-teeth glory.
Let me preface with this: Rachel (the winner of this season of "The Biggest Loser"), is not someone I know personally, and I clearly have no idea what her medical records say, as far as whether or not she is "healthy". Maybe she is. Maybe 105 lbs is the ideal weight for her, she's not dehydrated or exhausted, or mentally and physically drained. I really don't know, nor will I speculate.
Because this isn't about Rachel. This is about what Rachel, unfortunately for her, now represents.
I appeared on "The Biggest Loser" 7 years ago. It was a season of change- Alison Sweeney's first season hosting it, the first season with 3 trainers (Jillian, Bob and Kim), the first season NOT on a swanky ranch (nope- we were on a mosquito-ridden mental institution-turned-college-campus....not joking), and the season of Jillian's triumphant return. It was special, and it felt like it.
I was 21 years old, and had graduated college and moved 1300 miles away from all of my family and most of my friends to start a new life in Nashville. I was sad, homesick, and bored...disillusioned. Biggest Loser was an opportunity to escape that, and maybe create something new.
Prior to Biggest Loser, I actually felt pretty great about myself. I had ALWAYS struggled with my weight, and had had some temporary successes in years past, but never anything I was able to maintain. Despite being big, and knowing it, I also knew a lot of other important things about me: I was pretty (or at least "had a pretty face"...ugh. Hate that phrase), I was talented, I was smart, dynamic, interesting, loving, kind, generous. In short, my weight didn't define me. It was a small (pun intended) piece of who I was.
When I got to LA, I knew my weight would have to, by nature of the show, come to the forefront of my attributes. Yes, the casting directors were looking for someone who was all of the GREAT things I was, but first and foremost, they wanted to dig into the corners of my psyche and figure out WHY I was how I was (as in, overweight) and what physical and seemingly emotional transformation I could make in front of their cameras. I braced myself, knowing that insecurities, very private stories and emotions would undoubtedly be exposed to quite literally MILLIONS of people. "I'm strong enough" is what I'd repeat to myself. I'm strong enough to be exposed. I'm strong enough to be broken down, because at the end, I will be built back up. Surely I will.
My story played out on national TV, so I don't need to tell you the ins and outs of my Biggest Loser experience, which, for the record, was positive. The people that worked with us truly became friends. They cheered for us. They cried for us. But they didn't HELP us. Because...they were production assistants. Casting coordinators. People handlers. Producers. They were NOT therapists, family, nutritionists, caretakers. They were there to do a job, and truthfully, for them to NOT do their job would have been irresponsible.
But equally as irresponsible is the truth that now NBC and "The Biggest Loser" cannot escape. Contestants are broken down- their most revealing truths and deeply-seeded fears exposed, in the interest of making them "stronger". But strength, for some, is not always born in the wreckage. Contestants are trusting that they are being broken to be rebuilt, but the building doesn't come. Not from the show. Not from the way you expect it to.
I finished Biggest Loser at the thinnest I had ever been in my adult life. With an estimated 30(ish) lbs of extra skin, I went from 298 lbs to 185 lbs, from over 55% body fat to 24% body fat. I ran races for the first time. People stopped telling me I had a "pretty face" and started just telling me I was "pretty", or better yet "hot". I wore a size 10 dress and could shop wherever I wanted. I should have been flying high, and man, did I fake it well.
But while I'd been working my butt off on getting skinny (really- weight loss was my ONLY goal), I hadn't even thought about what the internal ramifications might be, and how drastically I was changing on the inside.
I knew as I got deep into the production of the show that my self esteem was rapidly diminishing. I sat for hours a week doing interviews or having filmed conversations about how "awful" it must feel to be the "black sheep" of my overly fit family. I had never felt THAT out of place until it was reinforced regularly that I *should*. I remember one day one of the people on production sat down with a group of us (pretty early on in the process) and said, "I just don't get it. Like...what do you even DO when you're overweight?". She/He literally didn't even view us as human. He/She had no inkling that I grew up climbing mountains, swimming competitively, took 7 years of dance lessons, and played for my high school soccer team. Conversations stirred up deeply personal issues- how the abandonment of my biological father "must have" been the cause of my never-ending struggles with my weight, how I "must have" used food to self-medicate through bad breakups or relationships, or struggles. How it "must have" been so hard to be SO close to being a "catch", but still be so "undesirable" because of the shape and size of my body. Internet message boards picked apart my every feature and action, and like a train wreck, I couldn't look away. I remember reading after the finale, "Isabeau looks like Portia De Rossi....only....bigger". AFTER the finale. Strangers would follow me around the grocery store and sometimes even stop me to tell me why I shouldn't put "that" in my cart.
I sucked it all up because I could see the finish line. I could see where I would be all of these things I was told I should want to be. "Limitless"-any opportunity I wanted or imagined would flow to me once I lost weight. I would finally "fit in" with my family that I had never felt like I didn't fit in with until I was told maybe I should. I would be "desirable". I would be whole, and complete and gloriously confident.
But that confidence never came. It never came because I didn't work on it. I felt like a failure standing on the stage at the finale because that's all I had been told I was, and I started believing it. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own. It was my own fault for allowing myself to believe the lies I was being told about myself, my fault for perpetuating them, and my fault for not getting help in dealing with them. What was demonstrated last night at The Biggest Loser finale, is nothing new. It's just the physical manifestation of what so much of us have felt internally- that we can never do, or be, enough. That we can never work too hard. Or lose too much. Or be too extreme. Because we seek and crave the resolution of all our dreams come true, that are seemingly hinged on whether or not we're skinny.
So, here's the truth, dear whoever-you-are. The only thing holding you back from anything is YOU. It is not your weight. It is not your finances. It is not your appearance. Well, actually, maybe it is. But not in the way you believe. Ambition and Success stem from the same root, and it has nothing to do with a number on the scale or any other "circumstance" in your life. It has to do with how you FEEL about life. How you FEEL about yourself. Are you worthy of being ambitious? Successful? Desired? Sexy? Strong? You are. You are at 300 lbs. You are at 100 lbs. You are $20,000 in debt. You are at 21 or 78 years old. You are worthy of all of those things the moment you believe you are.
After Biggest Loser, I spent several years trying to fill the void that was left when my confidence and self esteem was diminished. I sought that feeling of fullness in money and what money could buy, relationships that were inauthentic, and in choices that were guided by my mind, over my heart. I forgot who I was, and because of that, made decisions I never would have made.
There wasn't a day that things shifted, but things did. I felt like I was perpetually MISSING not just something, but someONE. And at some point, I woke up and realized that that someone was me. I missed me. I missed who I was, and all those wonderful things I had known about myself before weight became the most important thing in my world.
It's been a long journey to get back to me, and it's meant learning to trust people again. I was taught once that opening up and being "broken" will NOT always result in being rebuilt. I've had to start believing that that is the EXCEPTION and not the rule, and that, when you surround yourself with the right people, "tough love" truly is based in love, and is meant to expand you, not diminish you.
I would be lying to say that weight isn't something I still actively work on, worry about, and allow to define certain things in my mind. But I know now that it is a paper dragon. My weight, although something I work on now for longevity and health, is back to being just one, teeny, tiny part of a crazy, wonderful person. And lucky for me, it's a piece I can (and do) work on and change. My weight may be the most challenging thing for me, but how awesome is that? It's a lot harder to undo jealousy, or stinginess, or stupidity, or irresponsibility, or complacency than it is to take off a few pounds. If my weight is the worst thing someone can say about me, then I consider myself pretty lucky.
We need to stop believing and perpetuating the myth *someone* came up with that we all must be or do or look a certain way in order to be successful. Weight loss is one of the BEST examples of this because literally EVERYONE has a different opinion and experience about what works, what doesn't, what should, what shouldn't, etc. Every conversation about our body is laced with judgement. When will enough be enough?
The only answer is that you will have to put your foot down. I remember the night before my Biggest Loser finale weigh in, I had talked my "handler" into letting me go to the gym. I worked out for 2 hours and then went to sit in the sauna with my clothes on, to burn just a few more calories. My head spun and I felt weak, dizzy, awful. Sick. I got out. Enough was enough. I remember, conversely, gaining weight with my son and beating myself up that I was such a "failure" that even after having an opportunity to lose weight on national television, I couldn't keep it together. I knew I couldn't allow myself to live like that anymore. Enough, again, was enough.
Productivity starts where shame ends. I started seeing a therapist. I surrounded myself in people that (shockingly) ALREADY think I'm fun, and interesting, smart, pretty (as a whole), desirable, talented, strong and capable. I'm allowing myself to hear when someone says "You're a badass" or "Seriously... you're so good at xyz" or "Wow, you look great", instead of hearing "You're a badass (except for your weight)" or "Seriously...you're so good (except for your weight)" or "Wow, you look great (except for your weight)". Because it's not about my weight. In a size 10, I still heard the "ps" to every compliment I received, so I know it's not hinged on what people see... it's hinged on what *I* see.
My hope for Rachel, for every other BL contestant (past, present and future) and anyone else who is struggling (with weight- with anything) is that they start mining for their strength, instead of magnifying their weaknesses. That they can silence the "ps" in their mind that tells them they won't be enough "until this...", "until this...", "until this...". The word "until" is a vicious beast that will eat your dreams and stop you from achieving anything. You know what's on the other side of massive weight loss? Nothing. It's not about the weight. It's about the permission you give yourself to LIVE. To be worthy of a career you love, or a relationship that lights you up, or a path you've always wanted to explore.
This morning in reading the articles and seeing the pictures, I was sad for Rachel, who seemingly got lost in her "untils". Again, I don't know her, or this, but the physical sure looks depleted, so I would imagine the emotional would likely mirror that. But in my sadness for her, came gratitude to the people in my life. There has been one group of people that have more profoundly changed my outlook on fitness than any other: Crossfit Vector at Nashville Barbell. Joining this community was far and above the best decision (with the exception of having Beckham) that I've made in the past 5 years. This group of athletes come in all shapes, sizes and abilities, but share the consistent thread of unconditional support, true friendship and the ongoing pursuit of excellence in all things. Being in a healthy environment that promotes fitness and strength over purposeless, manic effort is the most refreshing experience I've had, and has shifted EVERYTHING in my life, but most importantly, my relationship and my value of my body- as it is, as it was, and as it will be. Pretty freaking amazing.
Beyond my hope for Rebecca is my hope for US. Can we learn from this? Can we start understanding that reality tv is not, in fact, reality? Can we stop exploiting peoples' weaknesses for entertainment? Can we stop being so darn judge-y and just kinda love each other for what we are, as is? I think in allowing that, and by just accepting and loving, we create the opportunity for people to feel what THEY really want for themselves, instead of projecting what they THINK someone else wants FOR them.
There is no gift more precious than giving yourself and others permission to live how they see fit. To be beautiful in their own skin. To love who and what they love. To be worthy and enough. I hope we all can take this bittersweet lesson that simply exposed truths, and turn it into a revolution of caring about more than a number on the scale.
Are you on a diet? Losing weight? Kicking ass?
Good luck. You're going to need it.
Woah, woah, woah- before you accuse me of taking a turn to Negative Nancyville, hear me out... and, you know me- I'm not going to give you a problem without some kind of solution, or at least consolation. Read on:
Pizza is Permanent. Will power is not.
Cutting out the junk is good news. There are very few (if any) redeeming qualities of a Big Mac, and you're developing ideas on what foods do or do not belong in your life, and taking action. "OUT, pizza! You are BAD!", "Goodbye, ice cream! Your sugary smoothness has never added anything to my life, other than inches!". Here's the problem: Pizza will always exist. Just like the honeymoon phase of a new, dreamy relationship, diets have that too. It's easy to commit long-term, in the short term. You find "the one" and say "Yes, I do agree to this!". You clean out your fridge and your pantry and spend your paycheck at Whole Foods buying things you don't even know how to cook (who even knows what you're supposed to do with a beet?) because they're "super foods". You might even convince your buddies or your household to go along for the ride. But then it happens: It's a Friday and you're wondering how the heck you could have spent hundreds of dollars on groceries and be left with only unsweetened almond milk and a beet you don't know how to cook. Or, your best friend hangs up on you and your nuclear fight leaves you wanting only the sweet embrace of Ben and Jerry (yes, I've mentioned them before. Yes, they're friends of mine). Or your other best friend gets engaged and insists you come out to the Mexican restaurant with the best chips (read: margaritas) in town to help her celebrate. However driven you are, day one, week one, month one, there will come a moment when you lose that drive. And, even if you've said "no" countless times before, there will, my friends, come a time where you say "yes".
Food is more than delicious.
It's not about the food. I hear people say all the time, "Oh, if only it didn't taste so good". I would be willing to wager that "taste" is one of the last reasons most of us eat. We eat because it's there, we eat because it's convenient, it's the time of day we're supposed to, because we're lonely, or we're happy, or we're mad, or we're bored, or it's a "special occasion". Food is the family member that has dinner with us every night from the time we're born; the tucker-inner, the recognition of a job well done. We're not addicted to food: We're addicted (and yes- this goes for ALL humans, not just overweight ones!) to our history with food. Just like a relationship where you might be treated poorly, we keep going back because we remember the "good times", and UNLIKE a bad relationship, we genuinely cannot live without it.
We can't release it. So we must reframe it.
You cannot walk away from food. You actually need it to survive. You also can't avoid that it's a shared cultural experience that ain't going away. How shocked would you be if you walked into the break room and saw someone shooting up or smoking pot? I'm hoping (depending on where you work) you'd say VERY. But how shocked would you be if you didn't see a week where someone brought in coffee cake, or cupcakes or candy? I know in my office, if people don't have a brownie or cookie to cap off their lunch EVERY day, they go haywire. It becomes an all-out sugar war- "WHERE is the dessert? Did they FORGET the dessert? Who HAS dessert?" Woah. The white collars I work with are deduced to 2 year old "Who stole my cookie?" pondering. It's fascinating and scary.
Did you know there's a study that was done that actually cited that sugar lights up the same part of our brain as cocaine does for cocaine addicts?
But I digress- it ain't about the sugar: It's about being prepared to face the sugar.
So, we know we're going to ultimately mess up, and we know that there's no way to have this stuff not exist in the world. What's a gal (or guy) to do?
Stop hating yourself.
Seriously. If you are on a diet, you loooooathe yourself. Not only are you telling yourself that you're not good enough as you are, but you're telling yourself that when you mess up (and, see above: you will), you're reallly going to get it. Get over the fact that the food you eat will never, ever, ever be perfect. It will fall somewhere on the spectrum from "Omigod, that food is literally laced with rat poison" to "Wow, look at the macronutrients on THAT one!". It's NEVER going to be all good and all bad. Unless you're superhuman (which is awesome, and we should hang out), you're never going to be perfect, so stop beating yourself up.
Focus on the good stuff.
Diets focus on the bad. "Clean out your pantry!", "Get rid of your sugar!", "NO MORE PIZZA" (can you tell pizza's one of my things?). Why in the name of curly kale are you spending all your energy and focus on what you are trying NOT to focus on? Get out of the way of real food that supports your body. No more "nos". Instead, eat good stuff. Eat greens (you know this is rule #1). Eat protein. Eat healthy fats. Drink water. Focus on those 4 things, and those 4 things only, and the "bad" stuff will start weeding itself out. How do ya like that? All the result and half the work.
Blah, blah, blah, I'm so sick of the idea of "volume" eating- Like "Did you know, eating 400 pounds of greens is only 35 calories? So just eat salad, and you'll never gain a pound!". Ugh. No.
I'm not talking about that kind of full. I'm talking about the other full- the one that's harder to get, but SOOO much more satiating. Remember those pesky emotions we talked about that food played into? The celebrations, the challenges, etc? Yeah- find a way to uninvite food. Break up with it- not forever, but just for stuff like that. Because, it doesn't fill you up. It's not fuel, in those moments, it's...well, ultimately, just calories. Nothing- NOTHING else. You know what kinds of things fill you up? Friends- being with good ones, and making new ones. Adventure- there's something magically satisfying about seeing the world in new ways. Passion- Doing the stuff you LOVE to do. Activity- Doing, literally, anything. And no, TV (or anything that causes you to sit still) doesn't count. Find your thang- working out, biking, dancing, talking, writing, twirling batons, volunteering, making balloon animals, crocheting, ceramics, Crossfit, mountain climbing. Once you get busy being busy, you won't have time to eat out of boredom, and when you do eat, you'll feel genuinely "full" from your awesome life that you don't NEED that cookie in the same way, making it easier to make better choices.
Get over the fact that THIS IS FOREVER.
Oh, my dreaded frenemy "the finish line". Listen, I love a goal and a deadline as much as the next person- probably more. And if this were about getting into a size 6 ONE time, I could frame out the perfect no-carb, high-cardio, kill-yourself-program to follow (trust me... I did it once. And I STILL didn't quite make a size 6). But that's not what life should be about. It's not what life IS about. Life, and success, and the food you eat, and the exercise you do, and the friends you have, and the love you find- it's not linear. It's quite literally anything but linear. It's a giant squiggly line of ups and downs and highs and lows and almosts and victories and failures and sadness and elation. If you understand that life doesn't work like a line graph, you can start to embrace that a bad day is just part of the process, and it's not freaking nuclear. It's a blip on the overall radar of your life. It's a teeny, tiny, unimportant, pizza-eating grain of sand on the beach of your worth. It doesn't matter. Unless you make it matter, and you need to not do that. Stop giving a flying flip what you weigh. Unless you're on a reality show wearing a sports bra in front of 9.5 million people (something I have no experience in), or you're about to jump off a bridge with a bungee cord holding you to the top of a bridge, your weight has absolutely no bearing or impact on this world whatsoever. You know what matters? Whether you can live the life you want to. If you can't, it's time to make a course correction so you can. But people vastly overestimate the "number" they need to lose in order to have life shift: You want to wear cute clothes and think a size 6 is the only way to do that? Honey, puhlease- call me up and let's go shopping. You want to go on an adventure and are afraid your weight will keep you from being active? Ok- so don't wait for your vacation to BE active. Start now, and then book your trip for 3 months out. If you spend 3 months being the kind of "active" you'd be on vacation, then you won't need to worry about whether or not your body will keep up (regardless of what the number on the scale says). Base your goals on action, and performance (being able to shop, being able to go white water rafting, mountain climbing, city exploring, etc), rather than your scale, and you'll be amazed at how much you can ALREADY accomplish without losing a pound, taking your life off the unnecessary hold you've put it on, and giving you permission to not only be awesome, but to KNOW it.
Beat the Bullies
This one's tough because it plays with your heart strings, so I'll give it to ya straight: People are mean. They're mean because they don't understand something, or they've been taught to hate something, or they don't know any better. It doesn't excuse it, or make it easier to tolerate, but it's true. If you give them the opportunity, there will be those- ones you know of, and those you don't- who bring you down and make you believe you have to look a certain way, act a certain way, etc, and who will tell you so.
My best advice is not to ignore it. My best advice is to call those potty mouths out on their ish. Stop letting people treat you like crap (for ANY reason) and insist upon them telling you why they think it's necessary to do so. You deserve to not wallow in someone else's opinion of you, and I'd bet anything when you stare down the jerkface they'll lose their power...and you'll gain it. You may even have an opportunity to be a teacher of sensitivity, or an advocate of empowerment and leave your bully better than you found them.
My other best advice? Surround yourself in people that build you up, and then be able and willing to share when people (or life) is pulling you down. For every so-and-so there is that thinks you're too fat/too thin/too this/too that, there are probably dozens if not hundreds that see how un-freaking-believable you are. The trick is to hear THOSE people frequently so those (bored, lonely, insecure) naysayers don't have anywhere near enough force necessary to penetrate the wall of love and confidence you've built around you.
Diet's suck. But you don't. You're better than a diet. Stop being a slave to your diet and start being the star of your life. The food stuff will work itself out when you start focusing on what you're really hungry for.