The world was upheaved this week, and we are the fallout. Whatever or whoever you may be reading this, what I felt- whether I mourned or celebrated...whether YOU did- is irrelevant. Because we were all upheaved.
And so it goes, as it always has and always will. For some of us in our lives, this is the greatest chasm we have faced, but it is not the widest divide that's ever been, even if, and though, it feels like it must be.
Upheaval, I'm fairly certain, is disruptive for everyone. The world turns and we all know that the only thing constant is change, but, even knowing so, we don't see change coming. We don't feel it in our bones or hear it like footsteps up the stairs. Even when we think we do...we don't. I didn't feel change coming this swiftly, this violently this week. So often, change just feels like "progress"; not reinvention...even when reinvention is progress. And I'll admit: I was shaken.
I've spent much of this week (or, as much as I could get away with while running a company) hidden underneath the proverbial (and sometimes literal) sheets. With my cold feet pressed against my husband's hot body, I looked to him to make sense of the upheaval. He couldn't. He needed my sense, too. I had none.
We'd planned some adventures and as I pulled the blankets harder and tighter around my shoulders, I told him:
"I'm done. I just want....normal. I want control. I want...boring."
They're words I haven't said in a long time- since I was trying to convince myself that boring was actually what I wanted, when in fact, I just didn't want to admit I was afraid I'd never have anything other than boring, so I'd settle for it and call it what I sought instead. But this time I was serious. I continued:
"I work so hard because *I* don't want to be boring. I don't want you to get sick of me, or leave me behind"
And I realized in those words, I had quested to be so many things for so many people and had forgotten to be anything for myself.
My husband- who is also my best friend- seemed bewildered, if not frustrated with my revelations, telling me over and over how deeply he's always cherished ME- boring, not boring, whatever.
"I know," I said. And paused. "But I need to love me, too." And he nodded. Yes, you do.
So, I wondered why political and societal upheaval would spawn such intense internal dialogue. Dialogue that seemingly had nothing to do with the way the world was spinning. I suppose when everything else feels so out of our control, we had two choices: Be swept away by the tide of renovation, or force your anchor down to the ground around you and insist upon having a goddam say in the only thing you can control. I guess I chose option 2.
I don't know what happens next for everybody. I wish I did. I wish I knew what even happened next for myself. But I feel very strongly that I need to get to choose what that is, or at least say I tried to.
I canceled some trips. Almost every one I had on the books, actually. I've turned off my cell phone after a certain time of day. I'm insisting upon writing, and reading, and enriching my own damn life. Because, I don't have time to be mad or sad about things I have no control over. I must, I've decided, be motivated about being well. And being good.
I don't know in which direction the world will be shifted, but I hope I am shifted in the direction of goodness and love- especially love for myself. I'm pretty convinced the only way I'm going to make a change in the world is if I myself am able and willing to make a change in myself first. I will be the change I wish to see in the world, and have hope and confidence that the world will change. Because it always does. And with love, all things are possible.