It's been four months since I made the very conscious decision to leave a perfectly mediocre job in Corporate America to pursue my passions, to do what I love, and to feel great about my life.
And the truth is, it's harder than I ever imagined. Not the making money part (although, that's no piece of cake either). You see... a weird thing has happened since leaving the world where I dreamed about writing music, blogging every day, making delicious healthy recipes to release a cookbook, workout religiously, launch businesses, talk to people, change the world...I stopped dreaming. I let action outweigh the want, and "how" was suddenly a much bigger question than "why". At first, I blamed practicality, and the culprit of most paralyzations: fear. I told myself that NOW was the time I finally was allowed to ACT and I was ready for it-- dreams no longer necessary; I'd spent almost a half a decade sitting in my uncomfortable office chair in a tiny office dreaming, and now, there was no need for it because they only required ACTION that was now available to be taken, to come true.
But I'm here to tell you I was wrong. I've been doing this "dream achieving" thing totally backwards. Because, as action became more important than the core of why I even had the guts to TAKE action in the first place, I forgot what I was even doing. What did I want? I knew, and have known, unequivocally, what I DON'T want: I don't want to die with stories untold inside my heart. I don't want to live a passionless existence where when people ask you how ANYTHING is- your job, your marriage, your life- your answer is always "ok. good". I don't want to be chained to a place and time every day where only a percentage of it will be efficient or productive, and the rest will be spent wishing I had the time and option to seize my true desires.
So, now is the time. The time to sit and be still, and tell my heart I'm still listening to what it wants, and to try to suck less at honoring it. Here's what I've come up with so far:
I have lots of unfinished business with lots of things- half-baked ideas that could be delicious, songs-- hundreds and hundreds of ideas, verses, lyrics, melody lines that are in voice memos on old hard drives, emails I've procrastinated sending, people I've avoided reaching out to, blog ideas I haven't written. And so, I guess I start there. The longer I live (which, let's face it- hasn't been that long), the more I'm convinced that life, and success, are the continual commitments to starting again. It seems counterintuitive: Start. Again. Wouldn't it just be better to continue until you're done? I guess. But what if you want a life, and a legacy where there is no "done"? Because, I think that's what I want. When I've written the song I love more than any other I've ever heard anywhere, I want to write the song I love more than that. When my body is the fittest and healthiest it's ever been, I want to challenge it to be and do more than it's ever done. I want to create, I want to innovate, and I want to never stop learning, growing and challenging myself.
I want to live my life moving forward. But I think sometimes the idea of "moving forward", full-speed-ahead seems so daunting. Where do you even start with that? No one that has changed the world has set out to "change the world". They've set out to change themselves, or right a wrong, or be better. So, I guess that's my ground zero: Being better. Righting Wrongs. Changing Myself. Or...most importantly...Remembering Myself.
I thought about running some kind of challenge with myself to put all these goals in place, but, let's face it, structure and I don't always get along. I am- fortunately and unfortunately- a true artist, and there is no faster way to self-sabotage than to over think things- and I can over think things like no other. Instead, I have some standards I'm going to start holding myself to, and some goals that are personal or professional that I'm going to start trying to achieve.
The goal I want to share with you today, I'm doing. A few months back, I was lucky enough to have blogs published by national sites, and I loved it. But I was writing to write- I wasn't writing to feel, or to release a truth that could no longer be contained. THESE blogs are my heart, and probably overshare what I think and feel about life, love, fear, and all that nitty gritty stuff. But it's these blogs that excite me, rev my engines and help me to see the bigger picture. I think by returning to these, it will help me help others to see the bigger picture, too.
I have lots of ideas spinning right now, and the unfinished business I mentioned is a big part of those ideas. And I will share them, but not all at once...because, where's the fun in that?
Instead, I want you to know (yes, you) how much I appreciate you. Because if you're reading this, whether we've met in person, or you found me somewhere else, you're invested in me. In some way. And I believe there are two ways to power change and growth in the world, and in our lives: The first is through fear, and I don't want that power. I don't want to return to a life I constructed because I was afraid I would never get the life I actually wanted. The second is through love. I believe love is the most powerful energy we can give or receive, and it's the little pieces- like reading a blog- that fuel those fires, and ultimately provide the support, enthusiasm and courage needed to truly become better, do more and live authentically. Thank you, for that gift. I'm ready to remember how to dream again, and do what it takes to make them come true.