Today I feel anything but strong. I woke up for the third time, in the middle of the night with a sore throat and full head, and despite my usual hatred for all things pharmaceutical, popped an Advil just so I could get back to sleep.
It's been a week of emotional highs and lows, so I shouldn't be (and I'm not) surprised that its manifested itself physically. When my boy woke up, he looked at me, smiled sweetly, said "Mama" and then started hacking all over me. We're all down for the count. Weekend plans, shifting... No Ben Rector show at the Ryman for us, tonight.
But one thing won't change: Tonight, I'll try to sneak away from work a few minutes early, so I can run home, kiss my under-the-weather babe, pull my hair back and strap on my Oly shoes before going to Friday Oly Night. For non-crossfitters, Oly night is short for Olympic Lifting, and Friday is the night we focus (mostly) on techniques surrounding that subject matter. Every once and a while, we'll be thrown the curve ball of an occasional burpee sequence (my fave), but for the most part, we're lifting and we're lifting heavy.
Tonight I will likely not be superwoman (although sometimes when I feel like that is when I have my best workouts), but I will show up. I'll show up because as weak as I feel, in various ways, right now, I know when I show up, I'll feel stronger. I'll feel the etched metal of a bar in my hand, and whether or not I beat or set any of my own records, I get to blur everyone and everything else out. It's me against me. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks I am or am not capable of- With one good movement I can prove them wrong, and with one slip I can be humbled back to reality. I will be cheered on by my workout buddies, who have become my friends, and my coach, who has become my mentor (and my friend), and they somehow will magically know when to push me further and when to shut up and let me silently work out the logistics and emotions that changing your body brings to a head.
Tonight, I Crossfit because it's one thing I can control. There are no emotions, even though it is emotional. There is no failure, even though there is pain. There is no victory, even though there are wins. Crossfit (and the people I'm blessed to do it with), won't care if my mascara runs (it will). Crossfit doesn't need to know what size I wear, or what my plans for the future are. Crossfit doesn't think I'm emotional, or needy, or dramatic.
Crossfit thinks, and tells me- with every PR and No Rep- that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.
I think it's basic human nature to not feel indestructible all the time...And that's why I Crossfit. Because it's not about being indestructibly strong. It's about finding hidden sources of strength in weakness. It's about being scared to complete death and inexplicably finding a way to get in your car and show up anyway. It's about being taken to the edge of your comfort zone, and sometimes even jumping OVER the edge of your comfort zone, and recognizing that you not only survived; you grew.
Tonight, I'll Crossfit not because I have strength on my side, but because I don't, and I need some.... and I know exactly where to find it.
ps- If you're in the Nashville area, we've got a great crowd that we work out with (of course). Click here or on any of the links above to get in touch and join our sweet community.